Newbie FAQ for Arizona
Dry heat, dry heat. All I hear is that 120° feels like a crisp fall day in New Hampshire because Arizona has low humidity. But last summer, it was freakin' hot!
Did you say summer? Summer is not dry. Think monsoons in India, are they dry? In summer, humidity is 50 percent or more. It’s not the truly impressive 100% humidity with 100 degrees, the beloved 100-100 of the south, but it’s wet-army-blanket-over-the-head anyway.
How come I didn’t know this in time?
You closed on your house, didn’t you? They don’t tell you until you close on your house. Out here, we lovingly call people like you “sucker,” sometime shortened to an enervated “neener-neener,” after which the speaker must nap, state law.
This is a desert, but I see sprinklers on the golf courses and some people have lawns instead of rocky debris yards.
Blasphemer! You can’t live without golf. The very idea! Everyone needs water—for their grass, pools, ponds, and canteens. Strangely, water is the cheapest section of your utility bill and as long as there is water to rustle from the Colorado River, you will have water.
I thought people came here for their allergies. I pictured rows of pallid folk lined up in Adirondack chairs like an outtake from The Magic Mountain, all breathing pure, particle-less O2.
You do have an overactive imagination. See “lawns” above. Also: “golf courses.” Grass produces pollens. Also, the atavistic yearning for the color green, as in trees, produces even more pollen. Here is a piece of trivia for ya—the official state device is an inhaler.
Is that a lie?
Uh…
What is the official state device?
A shiny truck with a ground clearance of three feet.
Yes, there does seem to be a lot of traffic in Arizona.
People got places to go, lighten up. They are building light rail transit, which is disdained by the cowboy types as if it were a bicycle stabilized by a parasol going over a rope. You have to drive to get to the train—or you will. Wouldn’t ya just know.
Why are all cars white or silver?
Reflects heat, or at least people have convinced themselves it does. Those guys on Mythbusters ought to check it out. In the meantime, having all white cars makes those grocery-laden moments, feet stuck to the blacktop, sun a malevolent white disk, all the sportier. Arizonans love a good challenge.
Is it true? I heard Wal-Mart once had a sign on the doors saying, “Do not touch door handle.” Wal-Mart? Can it be? Don’t enter?
Yes, this was before they got automatic doors. Touching the handle meant a second-degree burn. You have to wait until someone came out. Of course, someone always came out.
My goodness, why would people come here?
Do you have to ask? Golf. Gigantic white trucks. Fiery obstacles. Air so dry it will mummify a corpse, except in summer.
And don’t forget—deep veins of irony ripe for mining. ·
